Saturday, October 10, 2009

Ten Commandments for Assholes

This piece was originally published on "My Wife Hates Me" which is in kind of limbo, but check it out, there is some very funny shit on there.
Every fucking day you go out and there are assholes everywhere. Though many I believe are unintentional, they just don’t know they are assholes. Here are an easy 10 tips to follow to not be such an asshole. (Please picture Chartlon Heston reading aloud).Please feel free to recommend commandments.

Ten Commandments for Assholes

1. Mind your own business. This one is paramount and self explanatory. Really just the key to humanity.

2. Shut the fuck up. Silence is golden. You just can’t go wrong if you apply this shining nugget of advice. It goes very well with #1.

3. Do not block public areas ever, for any reason. This includes by your person, your vehicle, your stuff, your idiocy, whatever. Do not impede others. For example, if you hate abortion, that’s cool just don’t block the fucking sidewalk I am using.

4. Don’t touch anyone ever, without their permission. This may or may not apply to Strippers in a Strip Club since you may very well likely already be considered an asshole there.

5. Don’t touch anyone’s stuff ever, without their permission.

6. Don’t step on anyone’s property ever, without their permission.

7. Don’t make loud noise in or near public areas. Your fucking gay cell phone conversations about the shipment of clock radios doesn’t interest me, fuckface.

8. Control your children in public. Do whatever you have to do. Lock them in cages in the attic if you can't handle them. I will be following rule #1 if you decide to smack the shit out of them for breaking rules 1-7.

9. Use turn signals and merge properly. Enough already with the retarded driving.

10. Return things that are lent to you without being reminded by the lender. Really just a basic courtesy, practiced by so very, very few.

Hope these tips come in handy, feel free to print them out and put on your fridge and throughout your workplace. I am the Robotman.

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